


Surprise With A Side Of Lemon

by KandiSheek



Category: One Piece
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M, What Was I Thinking?, basically everyone ships zoro and luffy, but not really, except zoro and luffy, mentions of other luffy ships, the crackiest of crack, zolu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 11:36:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11161074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KandiSheek/pseuds/KandiSheek
Summary: Everyone is convinced Zoro and Luffy should be having sex. Zoro respectfully disagrees. Crackfic to the extreme. I don't know what happened.





	Surprise With A Side Of Lemon

“You like him, don't you, kenshi-san?”

Zoro spit his sake across the deck at the sudden question, much to Sanji's displeasure.

“Oi, don't think I'll clean that up for you, moss head!”

The swordsman ignored him, glaring at the woman who was lounging in the chair across from his instead. “What the-? Where'd you get that from?”

Robin smiled mysteriously as she flipped another page in her book. “It is fairly obvious, I'm afraid.”

“That's ridiculous!”, Zoro fumed, face red with anger. “I don't even-”

“Do you lust for him then?”

_...What?_

“If you don't like him that way then perhaps you only want him for his body?”, the archaeologist elaborated when her only answer was stunned silence. “However I would advise you to be careful with that kind of relationship because it often leads to-”

“FUCK THAT!”, Zoro shouted as he jumped to his feet, effectively getting the attention of the rest of the crew. “I don't want to have _sex_ with-!”

A kick to the face silenced him.

“Don't shout at Robin-chan, bastard!”, the cook yelled in outrage just before he got punched across the deck for his efforts.

“Don't interrupt people when they're spouting blackmail material!”, Nami scolded the cook, making him collapse in a puddle of nosebleed, before turning towards Zoro with a conniving glint in her eyes. “Now _who_ did you not want to have sex with, Zoro?”

The swordsman turned an unhealthy looking shade of red. “None of your-”

“He meant Captain-san, navigator-san.”

“ _Robin!_ ”

“What, you mean- _Luffy?_ ”, Nami screeched, looking at Zoro with wide eyes. “You want to- Oh my God, why would you want to corrupt his innocence like that? That's awful, Zoro, even for you!”

“OI!”

Brook laughed merrily at their banter as he took out his violin. “Aaah, young love is so inspiring! I might just write a song about hearts beating in synch... even though I have none! Yohohoho!”

“I think it's rather cute”, Robin mused, smiling. “The big bad guy falling for the innocent one. It is common plot material in most classic love stories.”

“I do NOT love our captain!”, Zoro roared. “I mean, I do, but _NOT IN THAT WAY!_ ”

“Aww, and he's going through all the stages”, Nami cooed sarcastically. “Denial is only the first step, Zoro.”

“I'm telling you, woman-”

“Ow! I think it's _suuper!_ ”, Franky shouted as he suddenly appeared out of nowhere, slapping his forearms together in his trademark pose. “Go for it, bro!”

“How is it 'super'?”, Sanji asked almost angrily, reaching for a smoke. “That shitty swordsman shouldn't be getting any with that ugly mug.”

“I'll kill you, shit cook”, Zoro seethed.

Franky pushed his glasses down his nose with an air of wisdom. “You don't get it, bro. If they hook up and get some of that frustration out of their systems they might not break the ship so much.”

Nami squealed and clapped her hands together in happiness. “That means we'll save money on repairs!”

“How can you all just be okay with this?”, Usopp cried out from where his head suddenly popped up behind the railing. He and Chopper had apparently eavesdropped on their conversation. “I mean think about Luffy a little! Zoro seems like the rough type, so he might accidentally hurt him when they-”

Zoro shot him a death glare. “ _Don't_ even go there.”

Usopp squeaked in fear and quickly hid behind the railing again. “Scaryyy...”

“Listen, I don't know what you guys' problem is”, Zoro said, trying to stay somewhat calm in the face of this disaster. “But no matter what you think I feel – which I _DON'T_ –, if any of you tell Luffy about this conversation I swear to God I'll-”

“SANJI! MEEEAT!”

They all turned around as Luffy flew up from below deck, conveniently landing right in the middle of the loose circle his nakama had formed. He looked around with his trademark grin, slightly surprised to see them all gathered together. “Oh hey guys, what's going on?”

“Is there any chance that you might want to have sex with Zoro-san, Luffy-san?”, Brook asked.

There was a sound of bone breaking as Nami kicked him across the deck. “DON'T ASK HIM THAT SO BLUNTLY!”

Luffy looked around with a confused expression. “You want me to have sex with Zoro?”

“NO!”, Zoro yelled, waving an arm about in frantic denial. “That's not what he said! He meant, um... “

„Why wouldn't I?“

The question made everything stop short. One by one the crew turned towards their captain to stare at him quizzically.

“What?”, Nami asked after a moment of stunned silence.

Luffy raised his hand to start picking his nose. “Why wouldn't I want to have sex with Zoro? It feels good, right?”

The swordsman almost fell over. “The fuck is wrong with you?”, he yelled, face red from either embarrassment or anger, the others couldn't tell. “How do you even know that?”

Luffy' head tilted. “Because I had sex before. Are you an idiot?”

...Pause. Rewind. Play again.

_“Because I had sex before.”_

…

“WHAT?”, the crew – sans Robin – shouted at the same time, faces taking on varying expressions of shock.

“It feels really good too”, Luffy added absently, flicking a booger off his finger. “You should try it.”

“That's not the problem, shithead!”, Sanji yelled, staring at his captain with a mixture of disbelief and new-found respect. “Who the hell did you have sex with?”

Luffy looked thoughtful for a minute. “The first one or all of them?”

This time Zoro did fall over. “There's _more_ than one?!”

The captain nodded with a wide grin. “Yup.”

“Who?”, Nami demanded, now – after getting over the initial shock – looking like a school girl out for gossip. “C'mon, _who?_ ”

Luffy diverted his eyes in thought. “Hmmm... Well, there's Ace, Caimie-”

“Wha- _Ace?_ As in your _brother?_ That Ace?”, Nami interrupted with a shriek, unsure whether to be disgusted or excited, while Sanji had collapsed in a devastated heap.

“C-Caimie-chwan...?”

“Yup”, Luffy said, happily ticking off fingers as he went. “Then there was Tra-o...”

“Tra- _Law?!_ You slept with _Law?_ ” Zoro was fuming by then, one hand on his swords. “What did that bastard do to you?”

Luffy put a hand to his chin as he remembered. “Well, he made me put things in my mouth and-”

“HAAAA?”, the crew shouted in outrage.

“That perverted shithead!”, Sanji yelled, recovering from his bout of depression and kicking the mast in anger. “I'm gonna kill him!”

“That won't do”, Nami seethed, clutching the pieces of her clima tact at her hip. “I'm gonna castrate him first!”

“Not before I feed him my fists”, Franky gritted out while cracking his knuckles. “Forcing yourself on others is _so_ not super! Even a pervert knows that!”

Luffy looked at all of them, a confused look on his face. “Why are you all angry now?”

Nami put a comforting hand on Luffy's shoulder. “It's okay, Luffy. You won't have to keep these things secret anymore. Have others been forcing you, too?”

Luffy seemed at a complete loss. “What are you talking about?”

Nami was a little startled by Luffy's complete disregard of the matter. “But you said-”

“Tra-o didn't _force_ me”, Luffy clarified in his 'Are you an idiot' tone which never failed to piss off the navigator. “I liked what he did!”

Zoro's eyebrow ticked. “You did, huh?”

Luffy grinned gleefully at his swordsman, not noticing the aura of rage radiating from him. “Yeah! Law's pretty good at it!”

Robin chuckled, amused by the whole thing. “Well, he _is_ a surgeon. It is only logical that he knows his way around the human body.”

Nami blushed lightly as she considered this, playing with a strand of her hair. “Huh... He _would_ have talented hands I guess...”

Usopp cried out in a less than manly pitch when he saw Nami's blush. “AAH! The disease is spreading!”

“Shut up, longnose!”, Sanji shouted in outrage, kicking him across the deck. “Nami-san is far too sophisticated to fall for such crude methods!”

Nami rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure.” She turned to Luffy. “But seriously, you slept with Ace? I mean how old were you even?”

Luffy looked away in thought. “Umm... fourteen, I think? Ace turned seventeen that day.” Luffy smiled at the memory. “When we were young Gramps told us about the birds and the bees and we thought it sounded fun, so we tried it before he left. It was awesome!”

Nami put a hand to her forehead, sighing. “Sounded fun, of course. I swear, your grandpa is the strangest man I've ever met.”

Luffy shuddered with a grimace as he seemed to remember something. “He is.”

“So, Trafalgar Law. Have there been others after him, Luffy?”, Robin effortlessly steered them back on topic.

“Um... not after him, no”, the captain said after giving the question some thought, grinning broadly. “But before him there was Conis.”

“ _Conis?!_ ”, Sanji screeched in a high pitch, face getting paler by the second. “My beautiful angel Conis? That innocent creature sent from heaven?”

“She didn't look that innocent”, Luffy mused with a frown. “She made me do a lot of stuff, too. But it was fun, so it was okay.” And there was his grin again, carefree and completely oblivious to the cook having a seizure in the other corner.

“I can't believe this”, Nami groaned. “How did you even keep this a secret for so long?”

Luffy cocked his head to the side in question. “You never asked.”

The navigator couldn't argue with that. But then again, who ever would have thought that Luffy of all people would do that sort of thing behind their backs? Zoro maybe or even Robin, but Luffy? No chance in hell.

“So I take it from your past experiences that you don't have a preference, captain-san”, Robin said casually, like she was talking about the weather.

“Preference?”, Luffy echoed, a confused frown on his face.

“You don't like one gender more than the other”, Robin elaborated and Luffy's frown disappeared.

“Oh.” He laughed. “That's stupid. Who would do that?”

“Then I can't help but conclude”, she continued, a small, mischievous smile on her lips. “that technically there is nothing speaking against a relationship with swordsman-san on your part.”

Luffy nodded with a broad smile. “Yup!”

“Now HOLD UP a damn second! I refuse!”, Zoro stepped in, arms crossed in defense. “I don't know why this seems to be some kind of fucked up fantasy of yours, but I'm NOT taking part in that! Ever!”

Nami blinked. “I'd reduce your debt.”

Zoro's eyes almost fell out of his head. “I'M NOT A PROSTITUTE!”, he screeched, entirely unmanly, flailing his arms about. “I won't have sex for money! Are you fucking crazy?”

“It's a living” Nami shrugged.

“Why don't you want to have sex, Zoro?”, Luffy asked suddenly. “It feels really good, so why?”

The honest confusion on his face would have brought Zoro to tears if he was a lesser man.

“Luffy”, he began, gesturing slowly as though not to startle a small animal. “You're one of the best men I've ever known and I respect you more than any other. But I won't have sex with you. That would be like having sex with my brother. I can't, okay?”

Luffy blinked once, then he grinned. “Okay.”

And with that he bounced off to wherever, dragging a speechless Usopp and Chopper with him. The rest of the crew stayed rooted to their spots, not saying a word. Robin turned a page in her book.

“What the hell just happened,” Franky murmured, scratching his head as he made his way back under deck, Brook following with a bout of gleeful laughter. Sanji stalked off towards the kitchen, mumbling under his breath as Nami took one last look at Zoro before moving back to her office.

Only Zoro and Robin remained, one with his mouth open in disbelief, the other calming sipping her tea as she giggled.

“It looks as though you lost your chance, kenshi-san. But our Captain is forgiving, he might give you another one if you beg.”

“Oh SHUT UP!”

**Author's Note:**

> Don't ask me, I don't know either. I randomly found this on my laptop from years ago and it made me chuckle so I thought I'd post it. Hope you liked it :)


End file.
